JUST ANOTHER UPDATE FROM OUR END OF THE WORLD

I have just recieved an email from Lora, who has encouraged me to write about myself again, regarding depression and bi-polar amongst other things. Earlier on near the beginning of my blog when i first started out, i wrote all about myself growing up etc, if you didn't read this please do if you can because this blog page will then make some sense.

The last two weeks i have been feeling somewhat uptight, teary and it seemed my blog site was my only escape from reality, though everything i write is fair dinkom, was to get on my blog site and just type away. I know i have been sending my husband around the bend somewhat with my crankiness, so i have to admit it takes a lot of patience on his behalf to put up with me and my yelling at the kids out of sheer frustration. It doesnt help when he works 6-7 days a week in 36 degree C heat climbing 16 storys at the oil refinery he works at, coming home to screaming kids, mess everywhere and mummy just frazzled and teary eyed, with a glass of wine in her hand, ready to go to bed.

My husband at times has his bad points, like we all do, and its now i can admit that my behaviour does not help his sanity after a days work because i am so frustrated being at home 6-7 days a week in kiddies land with no adult stimulation. The telephone and my blogger has been my only outlet, thank god for that.

Well 5 days ago i started on my Prozac again, and feeling again somewhat normalised. While Prozac doesnt work for some, it sure works for me. My mother and father were getting worried and knew i was on a steep decline back to depression, i was even showing no interest talking on the telephone with anyone, which is normally a dead give away to my parents. My mother has been telling me for years that i may suffer from bi-polar or manic depression and because it is in familys genes and it isnt any wonder.

When sometimes i am reading my blogger, at what i have written, i have learnt that i can do such a great job covering up how i am really feeling. I try to always have a positive outlook in life and make light of a situation, yet something inside is eating at me and feel i cant spit it out.

I have decided i will be seeing a therapist to assess me and see what they think. When i write this, i have no shame because people need to be more aware of this problem. I red a article the other day and it was saying bi-polar can be predominant, meaning something can trigger the depression, which i know is the case for me, because after Jordans diagnosis i became lost in his world.

When Chloe was born, i then suffered post natal depression after learning about her diagnosis and for the first 2 years worried about her outcome along with the battles we had with Jordan and his education, along with his suspected molestation by his then bus driver. I believe all this played a big part with my ongoing depression and battling the bottle which i now can say honestly use wisely.

My family are such a great support unit and i am eternally grateful to them all, because they know as well as i do, i can be difficult at times, i will also share with you all (without looking for sympathy) that before Jason & i were married i was raped by someone i knew, this changed me a great deal as well. Jasons never ending support helped me make it through as well, i am so lucky when i think about it, that i did infact marry someone with compassion and never gave up on me. Most men probally would have run a mile.

Well today i am feeling a lot better, calmer and in control of all situations.
I find the Prozac does make me a little vague, but i would prefer this than the way i was feeling before. I want to thank everyone who has been there for me especially my family, friends and fellow bloggers who give me encouragement and support.