THIS PAGE IS ALL ABOUT MY MUMMY GROWING UP

I thought i would add to my blog about myself growing up attending school and how i have finally found peace with myself. Before i start i will just let you know when i begin writing i become very anal retentive and just go on and on.

I was born in Australia (Sydney) 27th June, 1971. I was a chatty child and believe it or not was walking & running at the age of 9 months. I used to share a room with Aunty Sue when she was living with us and loved to turn the light on and off, waking her up to have a chat.
I started school at 4 and by the time i was in 3rd grade mum and dad were constantly getting calls from the school regarding my behaviour. I was disruptive always throwing paper aeroplanes around the class, wouldnt sit still, and constantly chatting to others and struggled to concentrate. The funny thing was my teacher at the time while telling my dad all this was walking from one side of the room to another and wouldnt look at him. He was getting so peeved because she couldnt seem to stay still either (he he)

I had very few friends and was always picked on. My parents took me to see a specialist and i was diagnosed as being hyperactive. I had food intolerances and couldnt eat anything with Artificial, Colours or Flavours in it. Mum used to dread it when i went to a birthday party because i would come home and the next day i was difficult and an absolute horror to deal with. It was later on in life after i got married we all decided i infact suffered from ADHD.

When i started high school the bullying continued but managed to make some very great friends whom are still my friends today. I still lacked concentration, was desruptive in class and used to love making whistling noises behind my maths teachers back which annoyed her. Come to think of it, the reason i always did it was because it made the class laugh and would do this when they asked me too. I used to also torment my science teacher along with other classmates that would reduce him to tears, which then he would have to leave the room. I would talk constantly, how many times i was sent out of class i couldnt count on one hand. Drama & English were my best subjects and have always been known to dramatise certain situations.

I started working at 14 and 9 months with McDonalds, worked my way up to crew trainer, then became a assistant manager at 17 years old after leaving school. Life was great, i was popular in my job and made many new friends. I stayed there until i was 18 years old. My boss at the time didnt want me to leave, but left anyway because i was offered a full time job at McDonalds Head Office as a data entry operator in payroll. I felt at the time i needed a change and learn new skills. I was very fortunate because they trained me in all aspects of the job. I soon left there and moved onto other jobs and wish now i had stayed there because after leaving i was in and out of jobs and unsettled. I found it hard to concentrate more than before and was sacked from jobs on many occasions. McDonalds was the only job i had where they were patient with me and seemed to do well at.

For years i have suffered depression and manic phases as i call them, always in and out of work which i believe is the reason why i couldnt hold down a job long enough. I used to be very clingy to people so you could say at times i was a bit of a vampire friend. I like to be liked and got upset and would obsess over and over what i could do to make people like me more. This obviously explains my disruptive behaviour in school because i loved getting attention and making people laugh.

Dont get me wrong, i grew up in a very stable environment with loving parents and family who have always been there for us and to be honest i was probaly more spoilt than my other 4 siblings.

At 15 my parents bought my first horse Showgun after nagging them for years. He lived in our back yard for a while until we could make other arrangements with a place to stay. Showgun was 5 years old and green as a cucumber (saying when a horse is untrained properly) so mum and dad organised a trainer to come out and give me lessons on him. At the time we lived opposite a school for juveniles and i was allowed to use their land to ride on. That day we were walking him up the side of the house and the trainer was walking behind him with a crop and must have tapped him with it which spooked him, he then jumped over me where i fell into some ladders, got kicked in the ear and took the 6 foot gate with him and bolted off up the road with the reins over his head.

After catching him whenever i went into the yard he would charge at me and try to kick me. Dad was the only one who could go into the backyard and touch him. Dad & Mum decided he had to go. I think that experience must have scarred this horse for life. Mum and dad went out and bought me another horse who took to me straight away and told us that i was the only person who had been able to get on him since he had been put up for sale. At first i thought this was there way of trying to sell him but later found out that it was infact true.

I remember that day well. We were getting ready to pick up Shiloh and i got into trouble and was told i was not going to get him anymore. We got in the car and all the way there i didnt know mum and dad were actually going there to get him, i thought i had blown my chances. I soon joined a pony club and became well known for my stupidity. My horse must have had ADHD along with me because he was naughty, he used to rear up when he didnt want to something and full of boundless energy. I used to gallop up the driveway to pony club because i knew this used to annoy the crap out of everyone as it wasnt permitted at all. I was in a way out of my element because all the people who went there were stuck up snobs and owned $2000 show horses and together Shiloh and i were a couple of red necks.

A couple of the girls at pony club who were experienced riders decided he was misbehaving like this because of my inexperience. When they tried to ride him he would throw them off his back because besides myself he did not like any other people riding him. I used to laugh and still do at the thought because obviously this hurt their know all pride.

Shiloh wasnt a horse to be ridden by a novice like myself, but over time i red books along with my father where we would spend hours arguing, him telling me what i was doing wrong. Yep and i wouldnt listen either. I had to do it my way so dad chucked in the towel after trying to help me. Dad even went as far as doing a farriers course so he could shoe Shiloh himself.

Well i am proud to say i finally had this horse within 6 months, showjumping at a high level and getting better with dressage putting his head down on the bit.
I trained him to stop rearing up on me after learning filling a plastic bottle with water and hitting him over the head everytime he reared, he would feel the water go over his head, making him think he had hit the sky. This worked and he then would only rear on command.

In the middle of Dressage he used to jump out of the arena all the time whilst in the middle if doing a figure of eight, it was like he struggled from a concentration problem and couldnt be bothered. As time went by he became quite good at Dressage.

Not long after i started to recieve a lot of compliments from people about the accomplishments i had made with him. He was my best friend. I could spend hours with him in the paddock cleaning up the manure and he would just follow me around, loved nudging me up the bum when i was leaning over or rubbing his head on me to get my attention.The only other people who he let ride him were children when i led him around. When i would come to the paddock he would whinny and bolt up to me. My friend Louisa whom i met at pony club still laugh at my antics and how everyone thought i was crazy.

In 1990 at age 20 i met my now husband Jason and married in 1997. I fell pregnant on my honeymoon and Jordan was born 8 months later.
Soon after i became depressed constantly, obsessed with writing poetry about our first newborn. I am sure i still have these manic phases at times. I would start something and then wouldnt finish it. Other days i wont stop with what i start with until its done like writing this blog. Some days I am non stop. I will talk incessantly and fast, feeling highly elated, then suddenly i dont want to talk to anyone.
I have periods where i will tell people i am going to study all these courses. I would enrol turn up for a day and decide i want to do something else. I will tell everyone i want to become an accountant, another day i want to be a physcologist, a veterinary nurse ( that actually was the longest course i have ever stuck with), a marketing consultant, a qualified real estate agent, and even gone as far as trying to find work as a special needs assistant. People who dont understand me think i am just crazy and wish me all the best. In other words good luck we've heard it all before.

My parents at times tell me they think i may be Bipolar and should see someone. I dont have many days anymore where i felt constantly useless, suicidal and unloved. I do however a lot, feel everyone is ganging up on me and have to constantly justify myself. After Chloe was born i had to go onto Prozac for a combination of things like severe post natal depression for 3 years. I suffered depression throughout my pregnancy with Nicolas and after he was born when Jordan was 17 months old. I started drinking heavily to mask my problems, spend hours on the phone to people crying or just to talk as i was feeling trapped and needed adult stimulation. I always felt I could cope better after a few drinks. I am glad that even though i was drinking, i managed to look after the kids well and always kept my house tidy and dinner was always put on the table on time.

My depression became worse after Jordans diagnosis. All this time i never went to the Dr for help as i felt i was in control and had been recieving a lot of support from Jason and my family but thinking back i remember sitting in the corner of the kitchen in a feotal position crying. Jason would come home from work hearing Nicolas screaming in his cot which that was all he seemed to do. I struggled to bond with him and at times i hated him. Thank god I never ever hurt my children.

After Chloe was born that was my turning point, my depression spiralled out of control. Chloe was born with a rare genetic disorder called Incontentia Pigmenti which i will talk about in my other blog page and her outlook was not positive at the time and because of the chances of having another child with a neurological problem i went downhill. I didnt enjoy being a mother, after struggling to bond with Nicolas i was struggling with Chloe, the daughter i had wanted so badly now seemed like a inconvenience. I felt i had become this monster that was trapped inside my mind. I was always worrying that something would happen to one of the kids. I couldnt even drive over a large bridge without scaring myself with thoughts with, what if they fell off the bridge into the water and drowned. Constantly checking them in their sleep every 2 hours, sometimes every 5 minutes to see if they were still breathing. I would go to a party see a baby being held near a fire because it was so cold outside and worry that the mother would drop her baby into the fire.

Over time Prozac became my life saver, the obsessive thoughts went away, i then learnt how to adjust with motherhood in a much healthier way.

After Jordans diagnosis i became obsessed with autism and why suddenly he had been diagnosed with Autism. I suppose now i can admit neglecting Nicolas at times because i was so wrapped up in Jordan and what i was going to do to help him. Nicolas has always been a beautiful, loving child and often still ask myself how could i have done this to him. The guilt i have suffered over this has been going on now for years. Has anyone else ever felt this way? If so i would love to hear from you.

Today i feel contented and proud of my achievements with our children. I'm a very passionate person when it comes to addressing problems and ways of dealing with the situation. Without all the patience my family have had with me over the years i couldnt have made it through. I give myself credit too, because despite of everything, i have managed to get through each new day out of sheer determination, after learning that there are so many people who have suffered and experienced far worse than i have.